They are just words on a page...

I realise this blog is mostly just my rants. Unfollow if you like, I won’t take offence. 

Things are feeling pretty bad at the moment. My cousin thinks it’s culture shock but I don’t think it is. I just feel so shit. And I know I have a lot to be grateful for but I can’t seem to stop things from scratching away at me. They’re petty things but when I pile them all together then I can’t ignore them.
I’ll feel better I know I will and then sometimes I wonder if I’m lying to myself about everything, about who I am. The worst thing is no one can tell me if I’m right about that because no one knows me as well as me.
Then I begin to lose my faith in people because everything I do seems one way. Like I invite my friend everywhere and she never invites me anywhere. Then this guy asked me if I wanted to go somewhere and it was just so that I’d ask my room mate.
Fuck. It’s as though I’m not human or maybe I’m too human.
God, even reading this makes me think I’m full of shit and I probably am.  
Please, ignore this, I really am fine. I just needed to rant.  

So I thought I should probably write a blog post on New York seeing as it was so amazing. 

Day One
It started off fantastic when we came over a hill and the sun was just rising over the skyline of New York and it took my breath away. I mean, it’s cool planning a trip but when you forget about it because things like exams get in the way and then arrive at your destination it’s mind blowing.
After the bus arrived at the depot we walked to Times Square and sat eating a bagel watching the taxis and cars driving through while people started going to walk. It was quiet which was a complete opposite to the evenings. We then found ourselves on the subway to take the ferry to Liberty Island. While the boat headed towards the Statue of Liberty it was breathtaking to look back to New York. The buildings which seem to reach towards the blue sky, wanting to be taller, all crammed together fighting for attention. Then turning and looking towards the Green lady who is also reaching towards the sky holding her torch. It felt like a dream. Ellis Island was also interesting and gives a sort of perspective to the making of the city.
That night we had scored ourselves some nicely priced tickets to a Broadway show but we decided to take a detour to the hostel to get some well deserved rest and to stop ourselves from passing out in the Big Apple. The hostel/hotel was impressive from the outside and even the foyer seemed stylish but the room was a let down. The first night it was freezing and after we turned the radiator on the second night it sounded as if someone was hitting it with a spanner, continuously, all night.

Anyway, after we had a kip we headed back into the city to see How to succeed in business without really trying. Yep, that’s the one with Daniel Radcliffe and, to be honest, it was amazing! The dancing, the singing, the acting. Afterwards we waited to get his autograph and I was so close until this bitch girl pushed in front of me. Oh well, it was an amazing show and I’m soooo glad we went. We then headed back to the hotel for a freezing night’s  sleep.

If my mother were to go back in time and have me again, I think I’d ask her to raise me a little bit harder. Not harder as in mean or unloving but as in make it so that I didn’t always try to help others first. This sounds pretty cocky, I know, but I don’t mean it this way.
See for days and days I’ve been looking for a house for my friend and I to live in next year. She on the other hand has not looked for one house. But yet when it comes down to her having a tiny room it seems that somehow I’m to blame. The deal on the house is amazing and cannot be faulted - it’s a steal! But somehow this still isn’t enough and now I’m in the awkward position that she’s saying she’s happy but my mother’s raised me to care about people and this is getting in my way of just getting what I need. In a perfect world I’d be able to own a flat or house and then I could choose who lived where but it’s not that ideal world, so I’m taking what I can get.
I understand that the room is small but there’s nothing I can do about that. There’s nothing I can do about her flatmates from last year leaving her out. And there’s definitely nothing I can do about the structure of the building so that I could make her room bigger.

I said offhand, ‘I’ll pay a little towards yours if you want’ thinking she would never take me up on it. But, lo and behold, she actually asked if I would. I’ve been thinking like a pound a week max. She’d been thinking five. That’s 200 over the year. When I said this she changed her mind. But in the moments she said this I’d had a huge think. I found the house. I spent hours and hours looking for houses. I tried my best to make it that we were both happy. In this house I offered her to store things in my room, to hang out in my room, to swap desks if she wanted a bigger one. To find alternative houses I rang people, I got my family at home to ring people, I emailed people, I left adverts on forums - all to no avail. What did she do? Nothing. Not a bloody thing. And when I realised this, I realised that it was not my responsibility to give her anything. I had spent hours of my life on looking for housing and here I was meant to be spend money on her rent too. No. I decided that would not be happening. I don’t think she was surprised. 

So yes, I understand this may seem like one big pointless rant to you but it was stressful and annoying and if it had fallen apart then many other things would have too.  So many if I’d been brought up with the idea that you speak your mind and stand your ground and not try to be so bloody nice to please other people, well… these problems wouldn’t occur.

I don’t think I’ve ever had so much work to do. Well, maybe that’s wrong. The time that I had two essays to do which were due in the same time - that was painful but this feels worse.
Maybe it’s because I’m in a new place with new friends, friends who don’t yet know how I react to things. In a room where I can’t just sit and cry because I won’t be alone in the room. I don’t want to be judged or questioned.

I want to get to the point where I’m so numb that I can’t be stressed. It’s not going to work. I want to disappear for a while. Or just be able to blend into the shadows. I know it won’t last forever but I just need to breakdown and I can’t right now.
I think the not being able to part is what hurts the most. 

Oh well, I guess this was just a post to let some emotion out but I don’t think it’s worked. I feel dark and I’m sitting at a library computer, redoing a piece of work for the third time. I don’t have time to do it again, this is the last time I’ve told myself.
But it won’t be.

I’m my own enemy. 

Last night there was a supposed party. The residence fellows were around so much that in the end the party was disbanded before we even got to see it. Anyway, hours later - I’d returned to my room to just watch some of Love and Other Drugs, I was quite bored and felt like just being alone for a bit. Jess came in and said that this girl was calling her a bitch. Jess is one of the nicest people in the world, she thinks it’s mean to turn a guy down when she has a girlfriend, so she was worried about what this girl was going to do to her.
All she had said to Will, who I have now ranked as knob rather than dick, was ‘don’t do it’ because another girl had told Jess that she liked him. And that the girl in blue, the bitch, had been with other guys.
So anyway, I said to Jess I’d go back into the room with her and as soon as I do I hear ‘…bitch….fat friend…’
So yeah, being called ’fat friend’ pissed me off and although I didn’t want it to affect me at all, it kind of did because I’d made an effort. I was wearing contacts, light make up and I’d straightened my hair. Of course, these things don’t make a difference to my weight, but still.

It just sucks that I only went back into the room because I wanted to support a friend. The other thing that sucks is that Will, our supposed friend (I think I forgot to mention the bitch was trying to get on Will), said nothing, he passively agreed with her. Well I guess ‘thinking with your dick’ really rang true here.

Oh well, there’s my rant. The fuckers.

I feel quiet today. It’s odd, up until now I’ve been content. What has swung my mood? I’m not so sure. But I know I’ll be fine. Sometimes I just like writing down that I’m not feeling all that happy so that I can remind myself of the reasons to be happy, like I would to a friend because often I forget to look after myself.


Anyway, if you want to keep up with my shinanigans in Ottawa my other blog is:

alysinuniland.tumblr.com 

I feel pensive. 
It’s not good. 

One more sleep before I get on that plane and start a year studying abroad in Ottawa.
Am I scared? Yes.
Am I excited? Yes.

Have I freaked out yet? No. < That’s scaring me the most. Maybe I can start yelling that there’s a problem with the left falange… maybe that would work.
I doubt it.

Well, still some packing to do, so I’ll update you in the week.
Cheerio!